I’m struggling a lot with depression lately; not anything suicidal, but the kind that renders away all motivation and excitement. I’m not sure what exactly the problem is. I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to, but unlike the majority of folks with no options, I feel like I have too many choices.
I’m overwhelmed by a BIG move, being forced out of my own hometown, being forced to get back to work, I feel the pressure to complete my degree, and most recently, it’s become STRESSFULLY obvious that NO ONE, NOBODY, NO OTHER PERSON on this planet is responsible for helping me watch my own children. I know that seems like a loaded statement, but for some reason, I was fooled by a lot of “friends” who seemed to understand my unique predicament and wanted to “help”. Granted, nobody helps for free so I did all I could to show my appreciation. All I had was the ability to buy groceries for their household in lieu of compensation for their “assistance”. I also helped any other way I could, but that was limited by many other practical and/or economic factors.
I haven’t met one person tasked with all of the same circumstances AND having to deal with the CONSTANT demands of four very young children (including a set of twins) with ZERO child support from Doctor Sperm. I’m a pioneer in a single-mom universe. I am actually more isolated now than I was while I was married to the Narcissist. I don’t have family nearby who can (or want to) help at all and the one person who is nearby is physically disabled and the other who IS capable with the means to help isn’t willing or practical. He actually wants me to put his own blood grandchildren up for adoption – wow!
The youngest child is not fathered by the Narc. Non-Narc Dad does help significantly, but he went from being autonomously single with no children to being part of a family and the father-figure to FOUR children. Simply put, he’s in over his eyeballs. He is my hero still; he bought me an awesome minivan with every penny he had saved up. Now I can at least travel around town and run errands with ALL four of my children safely in proper cars seats (another reason I was so previously needy of “help” watching my own kids).
Now, I’m faced with trying to pack an entire house and move it across country WITH the children underfoot because no one wants to “enable me” unless of course they get paid (which I just don’t have).
Perhaps this is why I’m stressed and depressed?!??
Regardless, I want out of this funk, but it’s like digging a hole in the desert sand.
Until next time folks, keep on keepin’ on.