Divorcing A Narc-opath: Child Support Versus Ego

Divorcing A Narc-opath: Child Support Versus Ego

I have seen this time and time again.

In fact, I am working with a mom right now who, for 6 peaceful years, has had little to no contact with the bio-father of her son from a one-night stand until recently when she sought an increase in child support from him.  Mom apparently has been collecting a silent $500 per month without the court order from dad, but recently approached him for an increase.  When he rejected her, she went to court to get what she felt she was entitled to. The court awarded mom a little over $1000 per month and now dad “wants to see his son” that he allegedly just learned about only two years ago.

Looking at the paperwork alone, one can detect a load of bunk as far as dad supposedly not knowing about his son.  The case file begins in 2010.  The newest paperwork is pages of accusations hurled towards the mother for keeping him away from the child and so begins educating another mom about Narcissism in the courtroom.

I had to face the same question I recently posted to this mom:
Do you really NEED the child support?

We all know that Narc’s resent having to “pay for” any relationship that has rejected them and where they no longer reap any of the benefits.  Of course, you and I know that it’s not about that; but, in their minds, they have completely re-framed child support into something like paying for the recipient to get their hair and nails done or not go to work at all (unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen too, but that’s a different post).

In my case, I know for a fact that my ex’s motivation for a very public custody fight was lit on fire because of a child support judgment I sought against him.  He was seemingly agreeable and less destructive before the child support was awarded. I tried the direct approach and practically begged for $100 per week (approximately $400 per month). You would think I was asking for $10,000 per month and/or both of his eyes.  I was so broke at the time and really needed the extra cash, but he refused to commit to just giving me money where I could use it for whatever I deemed necessary.  What he wanted was for me to have him rescue me when I had a bill I couldn’t pay – he would swoop in and pay for it like my hero instead of just giving me a little money on a regular basis so I could take care of the children in my own terms.  I found myself having to go to court just to get him to take care of his responsibilities.  The court awarded me $803 per month which would have been great if I actually ever got to receive that.

The bottom line is; when you open Pandora’s Box by requesting child support from a Narc, be prepared for the Narc to suddenly be “the better parent” who “wants to have more time with the minor(s)”.  Child support is calculated solely based on ability to pay for one parent and timeshare of the child(ren).  It’s not even that the non-custodial parent will have to pay.  It’s purely mathematical… whoever earns more money will pay the other and the amount depends on how much time the child is with the receiving parent.

Get this: because I couldn’t sufficiently prove that my ex (Dr. Deadbeat) was earning a cash living in our home for 10+ years as an actively licensed Chiropractor, he won a spousal support order of $50 per month that I was ordered to pay him.  I had three very young children full-time, two part-time jobs and was enrolled in two classes at the local college. He had two supervised hours per week with the children per week.  I made on average $1500 per month on which I had to raise three children and I had to pay HIM spousal support.  How is THAT fair?

Again, simple mathematics.

Now, I could have paid $3000 for a company called Regain, Inc. to   render an “expert” opinion as to the types of employment and the potential salary he could earn (all information I provided the court myself from the same sources they use), but since I am a party to the case and I have no official credentials that certify me as an “expert of the court”, what I had to say needed to be taken with a grain of salt.  Dr. Deadbeat in the meantime decided to offset that any future ideas of employment evaluations by getting a mysterious blood clot in his dominant adjusting hand so he could no longer work in his field and earn the full potential as an able-bodied Chiropractor.  He turned in illegible medical reports and signed himself out of the ER against medical advice, but none of that was enough to prove either side’s case.  After spending $3000 to a company to render an official opinion to the court and also a few thousand more dollars to subpoena the medical officials, including the Neurologist who wrote that “factitious disorder must be considered” as one of his diagnosis, to come to trial and testify, I may or may not have walked away with another $200 per month in child support.  That’s a really expensive *IF*.  All that said, since I had to have expert opinions and/or concrete irrefutable proof of his present and foreseeable income capacity, I was awarded support base on imputed income which is him working full-time earning minimum wage.  My three children get to share $508 per month.  He was furious!  $500 per month was less than what he spent on his horses and marijuana.

In my friend’s case; she sold her peace and tranquility and her son’s stability for an extra $500 per month.  She may be dealing with her ex-fling from this day forward depending on how stout his desire to impress his new live-in girlfriend is as to his parenting abilities and his image as a good daddy to their shared son.  She has a good job, making pretty decent money, she’s engaged to a really great guy with a good job, they have fairly expensive hobbies, both drive great new cars and only the one child to care for.  The 6-year old child has now stuck on 4 hours per week supervised visitations with a complete stranger and already has had to forgo weekends with the grandparents because bio-dad wants his visit; more time is less support.

As one attorney flat-out asked me when it came to my own battle with the Narc:
What are you trying to gain by going back to court and is it really worth it?

Dr. Deadbeat is back to being and doing nothing fatherly.  It’s been over a year since he has last seen the children. No birthday or Christmas cards.  He calls once in a while.  He pays his little ol’ $508 per month like the court told him to or he will do jail time. We are at a stalemate where he doesn’t bother us and I don’t bother him.  Sometimes, you just have to figure out how much your time, peace and tranquility is worth.